Time may fly but this love will last forever

It all goes by so fast...cherish every moment.

He's born today and before you know it - he'll be starting college.

Time flies, don't blink.

I've heard it all, everyday since the day you were born. Those who shared these words of wisdom couldn't have been more right and more wrong at the same time, if they were the last true words uttered on earth. 

I have a 'line a day' book, good for 5 years, which I have written (or at least had the intention of writing in) every day for the past 364 days. Some weeks I'm diligent, writing everyday once you go to sleep. Other times, I skip a week at a time, and have to go back through the catalogs of firsts in my head to remember what milestone you crossed 6 days ago, or what new food you tried, a special experience we shared. Nothing has made me more present of my current moment nor humanized me more than having documented a blip of each day of your life for the past year. I never document your day in the morning, because why would I? The day has only begun and there's so much more day to share! But today, on this last day of your first year, I thought it necessary to remember this morning and what it was like to roll out of bed and walk into your room. To see you standing in your crib and grinning waiting for *usually just* dad to come get you to bring to me for our morning cuddle and feeding session. Now, on this Monday morning as I sit down to write my one line, as tradition would have it, I'm 3 days behind in the daily recount of your life. As I backtrack to three days prior, I am a mess of emotion and tears and a flurry of love surrounds my heart, my hands, the pen I hold. 

I start with Friday where I write about meeting a new baby, baby Jack. This was my first time back in the new born wing of West Hills hospital where you were born; since the day we left the hospital to bring you home!  From walking into the hospital to arriving back home in time to tuck you into bed for the night, Friday's entire experience was something special. The last time I walked into this entrance, I was in full blown labor. Your little body was forcing my uterus to contract in an effort to get you out. I was in pain. My eyes had been shut tight in an effort to push the pain deep down into my body all day long.  I had hardly opened them at all except for one moment when as I was forced to in order to walk into the hospital by myself while your dad parked the car. I recall one queen of observation looking at me as I was trying to make it to the automatic sliding doors, doubled over in full stage 1 labor and saying, "uh oh! It's that time..." This time around I observe everything from the security guard at check in, to the slow approaching elevator doors. The smell, knocking on the hospital room door, the excitement of meeting a new life,  it is all so familiar. The whole experience gives me chills and tears and floods me with sweet memories. I am talking and congratulating, but I'm thinking of you and your grand entrance in this world every second I'm there.

Then came Saturday. For this day, I write about the morning snuggles that has become a weekend tradition. To quote my self in the book, I write, "Saturday morning snuggles in bed with your dad, has to be one of my favorite things ever..." And I stand by that. These snuggles are a chance to celebrate the laziness a weekend morning can bring. For twenty minutes or so, there is no obligation except to love my beautiful family, even if just for a few minutes. On this last Saturday morning of your first year, I feed you like usual. And as per the usual, when you are finished, still on your belly, you pick your head up and give your daddy a goofy grin then say something in a gibberish which only a devoted parent of their own child would understand. A phrase in sweet combination of, 'I love you mom and dad,' &, 'boy I love when the 3 of us lounge in bed.' Then you do something which is brand new and I can't get enough of it. You climb up through the pillows and bed clothes, pull yourself up on our headrest to standing, then casually look over your shoulder only to dramatically tumble on top of dad and I landing in a see of cotton and down. You roll onto your back and giggle and squeal loudly with delight only to repeat all of this 6 or 7 times. Watching you grow into an adventurous little boy who lives for laughing and entertaining yourself is pure magic in it's finest form. I am so lucky to be your mom. 

Sunday's entry follows. An entry wonderfully exemplifying what a social little being you have become in this first year of life. We had two birthday parties to attend. One at a play gym for 3 year old Atticus, and one for your birthday twin and best buddy EJ. Cranky all the way to the first birthday party, after a long drive, all frustration melts away as I place you inside a pit of foam blocks. You immediately start socializing and hand a peer a ball saying, 'ball!' He doesn't really get it, but you don't mind. We move onto EJ's birthday party where we are greeted by many of the friends our whole family has made in the last year. We pose you for pictures with 2 of your buddies which we have done since you all met. Today you sit up on a bench on your own and know to look at the camera. This is a drastic change from when we began posing you for photos when you were all just 3 months old, lying on a blanket on the floor. Next year - we'll be lucky if we can get you to all stand there and look at the camera simultaneously - but I'm not rushing that so I'm not even going to think about it!

As I sit in my office and write, straight in front of me your monitor sits. You are half on your side and half on your belly sucking your thumb and sleeping, holding tight onto your closest confidant, your blanket; which began as your swaddle 12 months ago. You are starting to stir, waking any moment for sure. To my right is a pile of fun which we have been collecting for weeks now in preparation for your birthday party. There are bubbles and plastic balls, dessert plates, ketchup & mustard bottles, a case of beer. As I finally catch up in my Mom's One Line a Day a 5 year memory book, and prepare to write today's entry, I turn the page to May 23rd, and without thought, tears fill my eyes. Today's entry will be written on the left, but the right side of the page has us starting all over again, one line down, the start of a new year. Tomorrow is your birthday. The entry I wrote a year ago tomorrow has me an emotional mess, "The day my whole world changed. Oliver James Lewis was born & my life was complete...WE DID IT!"

They say when you meet your baby for the first time you instantly fall in love.  A love so deep, you can't fathom it before it happens. And that's true. What they don't tell you is that in the coming year, and I know eventually years to come, that love grows exponentially to the point of disbelief. I said it the day I introduced you to the world on social media, "I love him so much, I need a new word aside from love..." They say the time flies, and they're right about that. I don't know how a year has passed since that ever so fateful day. What they're wrong about is how quickly the time goes. A year ago I was a clueless mess. I was told it gets easier at 4 months and getting through those first 4m months seemed to have taken a lifetime in itself! I'm contradicting myself, I get that, but as you're now leaning out of your crib and calling, "Mama!!" it truly feels like it was another life in which I held your helpless, unknowing, scared & innocent little body in my arms and tried to learn how to feed you, how to care for you, how to be your mom. Today you say words, you walk (with assistance), you laugh, you share your needs. You have scars, likes, dislikes. You know who your mom and dad, grandma and grandpa, and aunties are. You've had more firsts than I can count and now we're off to celebrate this last day of your first year. 

Thank you for choosing me to be your mom. I am a changed woman full of patience,  protection, so much more than that and there isn't anything in the world I wouldn't do for you. 

..and her life was Simply wonderful

I love you. All my very best,

Mom

shaving and exfoliating like what?

This post is dedicated to the glamazeutiful shower I took this morning...lavender sugar salt scrub and all!

This weekend on What Are We Toasting To? (just a random new name for this blog I came up with...do we like it? Is it totally lame? Should I just stick with what I've got??  Let me know in the comments section kthanksssss....) we're talking about when life hands you lemons and you make lemonade and not necessarily because the lemonade is that much better; but because it's more of like - a necessary for your sanity, er - um tastebuds - and you've come to appreciate even the sourness the lemon offers to begin with because well theoretically the lemon is life...sweet bullshit additives such as sugar are not life. Sweet, bullshit, additives like sugar to the lemons of life, are a cover up, they're lipstick, a mockery of the lemon to begin with. Ok - I need less caffeine at night - I digress. And I love lipstick.  Lemons & lemonade and what happens when baby doesn't sleep, and how that can be lemony - which isn't necessarily bad - and how since my son has been born even though it's a helluva an adjustment, I have learned to appreciate so much more than I ever did before - is what's on topic for this here blog post (and I'm taking a breath you should too - that was a lot, and more is coming!).

I love the fact that at 3 months old, my precious bundle, Oliver, is an excellent sleeper - it's like - so so glorious....except for when he's not and it's like - so un-glorious. 
Like everything in this new world of parenting, when it comes to sleep, we have good days and we have bad days. Good days consist of several naps of appropriate length and an easy peasy goodnight lay down session in which he sleeps from around 8:30 pm to 7 am (hallelujah!). But guess what? In order for me to mucho appreciate the good nap days there's just got to be - (cue dramatic music....) DOM DOM DOM (!) -  a  shitty nap day. A shitty nap day means no naps, which equates to lots of fussiness & temporary bouts of smiles which ultimately mean just when I get into his fest of giggles - he erupts into a festival of cries (like out of nowhere - how do they do that?! Like us women, I tell ya...happy one sec and *boom* say/do the wrong thing - pissed the next.) 

Being the active type that I am - before baby, I was nothing if I wasn't doing 30 things in my day. This is no longer the case...and that is because, well - baby. You see when he isn't a happy baby (see shitty nap day), I'm not a happy mom and in order to get by I must consent to let go of whatever plans I thought I had and just let life happen the way it's meant to, sugary-additive free. 

Also Known As: OLIVER RULES (his way or the highway mmmm?)

It's just easier. Easier on him, cause that's how he expects it - and easier on me because I'm not fighting the inevitable. Accepting what is. Coming to this understanding and agreement with myself has made life a lot more simple, let me tell you. Besides, aside from this understanding, I also know that wherever a shitty sleep day lies, an exceptional sleep day follows. And that my friends is something to look forward to. 

~~~~~

T'was Saturday, and the child hadn't slept a wink. He couldn't! There was too much excitement going on in the outside world. His mind wouldn't shut off. Fret not though, I did, as I knew that Sunday, a day of exceptional sleep, lie ahead! And not just a day of exceptional sleep but a day when dad was home. Jimmi could be near should anything go wrong in dreamland and that meant I was free to shower and I will take that sir thankyouverymuch! I remember the feeling I got as I saw what lie in my future. A little slice of paradise was beckoning me from the bathroom. I could almost see the shower and all of the shower accessories - loofahs, smelly soaps, scrubs, and razors, yes even razors - glistening from the nursery as I lay him down for his second nap of the day. I could nearly hear the reflective ding that comes off of crystal champagne glasses when you clink 2 together, as I imagined all of the luxuriousness I was about to embark upon. This was not going to be any 3 minute hose down, oh no - this was going to be a shower MADE FOR A WOMAN. A 15 minute vacation submerging me into a steamy, hair free & smooth abyss of Japanese Cherry Blossom (yes I still use that - does that make me 12? Oh well #simplepleasures) awaited me. And I ceased every. Single. Moment. 


This brings me back to lemons and why it's important to embrace lemons as they are. There is a silver lining, free of sugary additives everywhere - or there can be - if you look for it. As I've said before, I am not one to shy away from celebrations, even if I have to create them. And so I didn't. To all you mommy's or severely time starved people out there: Shower on my friends, shower on.

words: me. melody and likeness:Raffy
(thank you Baby Einstein...)

...and her life was Simply wonderful

All my very best,
Emily  

Eyeliner and Granny Panties

It's Valentines Day and to me just another day with a little extra bit of red sprinkled around the day and maybe some flowers if you're lucky. And I like that!  
In the week gearing up for this cheesy albeit Hallmarky (I think they're going out of business?? So sad) type holiday though, I have watched the self loathing pity posts exploding all over social media and you know what? I don't like that. Everyone can have their day of doom. Their moment out of the sun, fine; but, let me offer a different perspective: 

#1. If you're wearing your self loathing pity party anywhere near your sleeve - the rest of the world can smell and feel your desperate lonely self from a short mile away, making your prognosis for nailing down that perfect someone far from a reality. Harsh maybe, but true - lighten up! 

#2. It's just another day! Why go around souring it for everyone else? Pull yourself up and charge ahead - just for today.

#3. Shouldn't we be sharing the love in our hearts with everyone we come across everyday? Maybe those poor souls who don each other with diamonds and luxury limo buses on Valentine's day really just hate each other the rest of the year.  Tell yourself that and move on.
When it comes to that ol' heart of your - don't cry because it's broken or lonely, laugh because you've got one and you can! You're alive and the sun is shining - celebrate that! 

Know that I laugh out loud as I say this and want to assure you it's all in good fun. Just try not to be so sad because you don't have a Valentine. Or because you have to work. Or because you don't have a valentine AND you have to work. Oh the hell. Can you imagine? 

On the contrary to the negative posts, my social media was also filled some great attitudes from single female friends of mine and I had to share their perspectives which is nail-on-the-head what I'm saying. 

"Hilarious! Happy Valentine's Day to the rest of us!"

"Happy Valentine's Day to me! I do it for the chocolate!"

"Happy Valentine's Day to my special boys!!"

Maybe we could all take a hint front these ladies who find the humor, love or appreciation wherever they can and move onward. 
I know I know, I'm married. So who the F am I to say all of this BS about not whining on Valentine's Day? Well I'll tell you.  I'm someone who has shared Valentine's day with the same guy for 10 years. We've had good Valentine's and bad. We've had ones where he didn't even remember what day it was and I was pissed. We have had them when we both worked and didn't celebrate at all. To us it was always just another day. One with a little extra red sprinkled around and maybe some flowers if I was lucky. But I am ok with that and I encourage you to be the same. 
When in doubt do what I did - put on a dress and some eyeliner, grab a partner if you can, and smile pretty for a homemade selfie...what you don't know is I'm wearing flip flops on my feet and granny panties underneath. It's all about perspective my friends.

Eyeliner & Granny Panties

Good Night!

...and her life was Simply wonderful

All my very best,
Em

I lost my job and I don't know where to find it CONCLUSION: PART 2 of 2

Just like I don't want you to care that I have chosen to add children to my life, I really don't give two shoots when the contrary occurs and you choose to opt out of children. None of my business. What I will say; however, is those without kids probably don't get the timing and scheduling constraints that come with oh I don't know - children - not to mention giving birth...and these potential new employers of mine (sorry - I choose discretion - but I will tell you they are NOT actors, more behind the scenes type folk) were no exception to the rule.
Now law says I didn't have to tell them about my pregnancy (and since my 3rd and final interview found me in the living  room of this family, a mere 3 hours after THE Dr.'s appointment to begin all Dr.'s appointments - and I barely believed the news myself - no this was not the moment I chose to share) but because I was supposed to be on a book tour anywhere from Los Angeles to NYC the week I was due, I thought it was only right that I come forward about the growing poppy seed within me prior to accepting the position.  And so I did. They were prudent enough not to offer a hard-fast sayonara, but place the ball in my court and offered, "Hey - if you can make the travel dates - the gig is yours..." I offered many alternatives, but as luck would have it - whether that's literal or sarcastic luck I'm still not so sure - my alternatives did not offer a solution worthy of accepting the position and thus, I was still left jobless. Unemployed. Without work.
So you can scoot back in your seats now, the tail of me accepting - or not - this ever so seemingly glamorous yet not-so-in-the-slightest position, is over.  I did not accept the position and although maybe begrudgingly, it was ultimately my choice. As exciting of a story as this shaped up to be, though, this is not a tale of that!
This is a coming of age - or as this basketball continues to expand beneath my shirt - perhaps shape and size - story (or should I say battle?)  I have within me about the fact that I am of a certain decade and completely unemployed...CORRECTION I work one day a week for my sweet husband at his company. And that's just nice. But certainly not what I had *ahem* PLANNED. A decade ago, when I pictured myself so many years out of college, and living in Los Angeles I did not foresee unemployment. Aside from movie stardom - I'm not really sure what I saw.  My mind's eye had me putting a career of some worth on hold to give birth and then possibly return later left to battle the stress of leaving my infant behind; or hell even succeeding enough in my entrepreneurial endeavors (more on those later) enough so that I could remain a stay at home mom and come back to my own business at my leisure with my little one on my lap. Ahhh the fantasy's. I never planned for this. I never anticipated being jobless.  But look - that's where my cards landed.
As my gait takes on a new swagger while I lean into my haunches a little bit more than usual and my belly protrudes - interviewing without prejudice becomes increasingly more difficult. My pregnancy hit 6 months today, and the writing on the wall is becoming more and more clear to interpret. The chances of me landing that dream job, or finding a new career path at this exact moment in my life, are slim.  And you know what? (as I heave a big & resolute sigh) I'm going to make a choice to be ok with that. Sure, it wasn't in my plans. G'head God - laugh it up buddy. I'm not saying I give up - but universes's would have to collide in order for things to go just so.
 On that note - if you've got the power to make any universe collide - I should remind you, I'm pregnant, not dead!
I once left what some might consider a dream job to pursue my entrepreneurial dream of owning a dessert company (are we seeing a trend??) and when I did, it was a calculated decision (which brings this whole thing full circle back on down to nanny-ville). A decision in which I had to ultimately put money, comfort, and conventional life choices on the back burner while I charged ahead with belief in myself. When I did so - I found this amazing vinyl sticker online, a quote by Mark Twain, I posted it in my office and to this day it remains there. Reminding me to have some faith in the choices I have made.

About 7 months ago, Jimmi and I made a decision to start trying for some kidlets. I never dreamed I would blink and be knocked up - but here we are. I have stressed and pulled my hair out. Cried and questioned my decision of turning certain opportunities down while simultaneously pushing down the excitement of becoming a mom. No more. I am going to live in this moment. Celebrate my pregnancy and then the birth of this baby boy and begin to watch him grow. I have every intention of returning to the work force and doing something phenomenal with my career and I can't wait. It could be tomorrow. It could be next year. It could be the day he graduates high school. For now - I'm going to choose to CELEBRATE. Life doesn't allot for too much of that: celebration. So put your party hats on kids. I'm unemployed. I am growing the life of a baby boy. 

I'm not dead. I'm just pregnant. 

Thank you for taking the journey with me as I learn to accept my current state of affairs. 

...and her life was Simply wonderful

All my very best,

Emily

I lost my job & I don't know where to find it! --------- PART 1 of 2

Being a nanny for so many years (more on why 'nanny' later),  I decided I was ready for a career transformation. I wanted a new career, a new path, and the opportunities to develop the many skills I had only grazed the surface on throughout previous employment at fancy schmancy corporations in my years since college graduation. While working for one family,  I was quietly researching career opportunities and interviewing, even turning down job offers (!) looking for the perfect fit. After all, I had a job, time wasn't of the essence, and I was not in any mood to settle.

Well the joke was on me ultimately when in late August of 2014, my boss of 3+ years casually mentioned that he would no longer need my services come October. WHAT?! But I - was going to quit YOU! Not the other way around...SHIT.  This was not part of the plan. Have you heard the saying, "When you make plans, God laughs?" At times like this, I think I'm his best entertainment! Now, normally when one loses their job, they might collect unemployment and/or seek out the same position at the next best company and simply move onward and upward. Unfortunately for me, since I was paid under the table - which is all fun & games until you lose your job - (red faced emoji), and in the midst of transforming my career, neither of these were an option for me. It was time to hustle. I had 5 maybe 6 weeks to find a job replacement, and now I was suddenly feeling sorry for the positions I had turned down.

I had been an assistant, an administrative assistant, an administrative executive, an executive  assistant, and a NANNY for so long and while most of these positions paid rather well and even offered job flexibility - I never felt I was working toward anything! I was tired of taking orders and fulfilling them for all sorts of execs and doing a damn good job at it all while knowing I wasn't reaching my potential in any facet. This was killing my spirit.

I said more on why 'nanny' would come later, but for a small pieces of insight: I have been an entrepreneur and creative mess since as far back as I can remember. I never wanted to work for the proverbial man - I wanted to create for me.  After appeasing my parents with that good ol' college degree, I made the decision to work these sorts of jobs because I wouldn't have to bring my work home with me so to speak. I could work, get paid a reasonable salary, and still have time to come home and create...
...but when I scored an interview with a Hollywood super couple almost immediately after receiving the 'we're through with you news' from my boss, I didn't exactly mind that I was headed back down the same old path of assistance. Should I land this position I would be traveling around the world, I would be making more money than I had ever made before, and I would have the added grueling task of having to house-sit the Malibu barbie dream home 2 weeks in the summers. I was willing to bend my expectations. I started a round of interviews, prepared to get the job. I was determined to fight for it whilst keeping my expectations of growth clear. I wanted to be upfront and go in with integrity.
The first week of October brings not only my last day as a nanny but the much anticipated 3rd interview. The night before I head into the interview something magical happens which sends me to the Dr. the following afternoon. By magical I mean - I find out we are expecting this albeit cute and exciting - but totally untimely little bundle of joy.

I nail the interview.
The job is mine.
They need me to begin a 9 city book tour!
...the week I am due.
What was that about integrity?
Oh yeah B T Dubs new employers
I'm pregnant...

Assuming I haven't lost you yet - I'll keep you on the edge of your seat until tomorrow.

...and her life was Simply wonderful

All my very best,
Em

Turns out I'm growing a penis...

Ha! Made you look - but let's get real I AM growing a penis!! And that is just really bizarre when you think about it.
Yes, on Friday January 9th, Jimmi and I found out we are having a baby boy!

Whether you've been/are pregnant, intend on it, or never plan on it you should know that as soon as the world hears of this news - as a woman you will receive two - which turn out to be VERY redundant - questions:
1.) Are you going to breastfeed? (um hello none of your business?!)

&

2.) Are you going to find out the gender? (um hello why do you care Nosy Rosy?)

From the beginning I always thought it would be fun to carry a somewhat unknown species around for 9 months...making everyone guess what color onesies and binky's to buy IT. I've never been into the super gender specific's anyway - too much of anything (see baby pink or baby blue) makes me gag.  But Jimmi had other plans. He said he knows me and I'd NEVER be able to pull off holding out until delivery to find out the gender - that it would drive me Crazy McCrazerson NOT to know...but lezbreal - he was totally reflecting his own impatient apprehension onto little ol' me!
So long ago we decided that when the time came we would find out.

In order to keep somewhat of the surprise though, we (I) decided to notify the Dr.'s office that if they were able to detect any specifics, to keep it to themselves and call our bakery with the news. 

yah - I have a bakery. 

Cause you know,  that's how we do it in LA: 

My bakery, my masseuse, my stylist, my yoga instructor, 

 My psychic, my pet's psychic, etc! 

I called ahead to Susie Cakes (see BEST cupcakes eVer) to place my very large order of 2 cupcakes. Depending on what the Dr.'s office told them, they would fill the cupcakes with the appropriate colored icing and bada bing - upon receipt of these tasty treats, we could have our own gender revealing party thereby maximizing blue and pink buying power.

So after a long work week, Jimmi and I headed over to the OB's office for the moment of truth. Gender revealing or not, it's always fun to get to see the little alien's face as he grows inside of you. The Dr., his PA student, my love, and I all marveled how little "Henry" was sucking his thumb, and while we did so - he promptly removed his thumb and stuck out his tongue revealing if nothing else, the kid's got sass!  The next hour found us first at the bakery to retrieve our cupcakes and then at dinner. We found a small and very busy hamburger stand (I can't get enough cheeseburgers!) by the house and amidst the hustle and bustle that a place like this brings on a Friday night, got lost in each other for another one of life's simply perfect pleasures.

After stuffing our faces with gooey cheese and too many versions of french fries, it was time for dessert. We grabbed a waiter and explained the situation asking him to take some photos of the process. As we bit into our cupcakes we were both fairly certain of the outcome but it wasn't until we peeked at the blue frosting we knew for sure. The feeling was unreal, emotional, and so exciting all at the same time.
No "official" announcement has been made, but those we have told, ask if we're happy it's a boy? To that I say, "Of course I am!" Really, we're just happy he exists. I'm elated he's healthy and sassy, and surviving inside of me. Penis or vagina he is ours. He is something we created and eventually he's going to be a crazy little man who loves dirt or dolls and we're going to love him more everyday.
Some people make this moment a surprise in the delivery room, others choose to have a big party & reveal the news to everyone, some go cheap and buy 2 cupcakes to celebrate quietly together - no matter what you do or how you do it - just CELEBRATE it. Life is full of too many what if's and scary moments and judgement not to celebrate every body part, every smile, every occasion, every chance we get. And so we did.
Oh did I mention I'm growing a penis inside of me?? How many people can say that?

...and her life was Simply wonderful

All my very best,
Em

This photo captures it perfectly